Editor’s Note: This is part 3 of a hilarious guest post from reader Amanda Hahn. Amanda is a recent graduate from Texas A&M University in College Station, TX. She runs the blog, “I want to work for The Onion.”
PART THREE: U$E THEIR $KILL$
Have you ever noticed how much time your child wastes? Hours upon hours are spent playing video games, doing schoolwork, and even daydreaming. Your child should be using his or her limited abilities to maximize family profits. Just because you can no longer bring home the bacon, it does not mean no one in the family should. Try exploiting your children’s skills by monetizing on them.
In many developing countries, it is common to see young children begging for money. Mothers holding infants asking for money on the side of the road is a typical sight as well. There is nothing wrong with borrowing the techniques of those outside of the USA. So throw some culture in your money-making strategies and hit the road! Technically, you’ll be hitting the side of the road as you ask others to spare some change. You could do this individually, but your profits will increase dramatically if you bring your child along with you.
There are other basic, obvious job choices besides begging. Jobs such as mowing lawns, providing cleaning services, or distributing newspapers can bring in money, but there will be much competition for these positions, so think of other ways to use your children for profit. For example, if your child is good-looking, attempt to get him or her modeling jobs. If he or she is not a picky eater, encourage your child to accept dares to eat worms for money. Children (especially girls) with beards can be used in your own front yard freak-show exhibit. Get creative! Be bold! Just make sure that your children do not get their hands on a single penny. All profits should go to you. This is fair because your children may be the ones with the talent, but it’s your genes that gave them that talent in the first place.
If your children catch on and suggest that they obtain a cut of the profits, lie. Say that all of the money is going into a college fund for them. The exploitation process is now complete.
Hopefully, this text has been of help to you. With these three simple steps: 1) Tell your children, 2) Recall, re-bond, and re-conquer, and 3) U$e their $kill$, you and your children will breeze through the unemployment phase of your life. There is nothing more important than the parent-child relationship. Employment is almost as important, but hopefully your unemployment will go so well that you will never want a job again!